A Day in Dubrovnik

Thursday morning, we had an early breakfast and got on a bus to go to Dubrovnik, in Croatia, which is where we were flying out of on Friday. It’s a coastal city about 2.5-3 hours away from Medjugorje. I had no expectations, but I had a wonderful time.

We checked into our hotel, which was less of a hotel and more of an apartment, but it was clean and comfortable and had locks, so whatever works.

After checking in, we headed into the city and we drove past what looked like a castle. Now, I have been to [I think] 7 castles/palaces in Europe and all the ones I have been to are either uninhabitable or have been turned into a museum. And none of them contain an entire city. This “castle” that we saw? It’s actually a TOWN. Where people LIVE! It’s called the Old City, and apparently you can only live there if you have bloodlines tracing back to its original inhabitants.

It’s an amazingly preserved piece of the past, and also a beautiful intersection with the present, because of course there are shops and restaurants etc inside the city.

So here I am, feeling like a little kid in a playground, wanting to go running around, exploring, walking atop the castle walls, etc, thinking this will be a “real” vacation day and not thinking about anything religious for once on the trip…when we walk into a church – St. Blaise church.

It’s beautiful! And the incorruptible body of St. Silvan is inside.

Holy cow.

In case you weren’t aware, one of the signs that lead to a canonization of a saint is if their body doesn’t decompose. When this happens, it’s called “incorruptible.” I had seen an incorruptible body before in Assisi (St. Clare), but she had died of natural causes, so she kind of just looked like she was sleeping. Also, you couldn’t get right up to the glass.

St. Silvan was martyred for being a Christian. More specifically, his own father slit his throat. It was unbelievable to see this un-decayed, lifeless 1700-year-old body, absolutely perfect with the exception of a laceration on the throat.

We walked in at the end of a mass, and afterwards they were offering the blessing of the throat. David was astounded that I had never heard of this before, but I hadn’t… after looking it up, I still don't really understand it, but it apparently stems from two things: 1. St. Blaise was allegedly a doctor before joining the church and 2. St. Blaise saved a young boy from choking on a fishbone that was stuck in his throat. Anyway, apparently it's a "special prayer for protection from afflictions of the throat and from other illnesses and is a sign of our faith in God's protection and love for us and for the sick."

After, we had a delicious lunch right by the Adriatic Sea, and then hopped on a boat that took us on a loop around half the castle and around a nearby island. While on the boat, David admitted to me that he had had two separate and unacquainted people both tell him that they were praying for me, because they knew that I was meant to go on this trip, and that it would be really moving for me. Two people that I have never met or even heard of.

I was absolutely floored. They were right.

After this trip, I am filled with a spiritual fever, and I know from previous retreats and spiritual experiences that the heart doesn’t usually stay on fire like we want it to. I’ve been thinking the past few days - what is my “plan of action?” How can I water the flower of my faith and feed the fire of my love?

The only answer I’ve been able to come up with is that I need to approach conversion with love as the center.

Our Lady gives us several tools to convert and bring peace to ourselves and to the world: pray the rosary, go to mass, go to confession, fast, and read scripture. But every day shouldn’t be a checklist.

If you love someone, you will do anything for them. If you are dating or married to someone, do you tell them I love you and do nice things for them because it’s on the checklist of “things you should do for your significant other”? Do you stop yourself from lying to them or cheating on them because it’s on a checklist? No! We do these things naturally out of love, because we want to show our love and nurture our love and not do anything to harm it.

Praying the rosary, going to mass, going to confession, loving one another, avoiding temptation - these are all ways we show our love to the Lord. So if you fall in Love with the Lord, you will WANT to do these things. They won’t seem difficult or inconvenient – you will be happy to do them.

So I need to fall deeper into love, and let love inspire me. Right now, I feel inspired to pray, attend mass, and read scripture. But I’m going to be honest, fasting seems really hard right now, and so does praying the rosary multiple times a day. So as Bill Murray says in What About Bob, I’m going to take “baby steps.”

I would also like to find more opportunities to serve God. I find that in talking about it and sharing my faith, my own faith is strengthened tremendously. I used to lector at my church back home and I’d like to lector at my church in Madison. I also remember having youth group leaders who were young adults and looking up to them…I may ask and see if their youth group needs any help J

I have a feeling it won’t be an easy transition. I have hundreds of emails to get back to, Ultimate Frisbee season starts soon and I’ll be really busy, and I’m young and single and like to go out and have fun.

But when you really love someone, you don’t make excuses.

After the boat ride, we wandered into another church that had a really moving painting of the Last Supper. What I liked most about it is that the table is really small, so they’re all crowded together intimately like a family, and Jesus is serving the bread and wine to them like a priest serves the Eucharist.

To top it all off, we wandered through the city and ended up at one last church. I walked in and was completely overcome by the altar; it was so breathtaking, I couldn’t even speak. There was a mural of Heaven on the ceiling, and all I could think was, ‘Who needs an apparition when you can get a glimpse of Heaven through this artwork?!'

I saw “IHS” painted at the top and it rung a little bell in my head that said, “Jesuit?” but I wasn’t sure. There was a statue of Mary by the altar, with Her crown of 12 stars. But even better – there was a grotto of Lourdes in the corner.

When I realized it was a church dedicated to St. Ignatius of Loyola, I felt like my adult spiritual life had come full circle.

The Jesuits kept me from being totally disenchanted with the Catholic Church. Mary showed me why I should love it.
So maybe my plan of action should include combining the teachings of Ignatius and the messages of Mary to water the rose of my faith in my own, personal way.

I don’t dislike of judge other religions – in fact I have believed for quite awhile that the major religions of the Earth are all seeking the same God, just in different ways – and in fact Mary has disparaged the belief that there is “one right” religion and everyone else is condemned, and confirmed that God rules over all religions:

"Tell this priest, tell everyone, that it is you who are divided on earth. The Muslims and the Orthodox, for the same reason as Catholics, are equal before my Son and me. You are all my children. Certainly, all religions are not equal, but all men are equal before God, as St. Paul says. It does not suffice to belong to the Catholic Church to be saved, but it is necessary to respect the commandments of God in following one's conscience. Those who are not Catholics are no less creatures made in the image of God, and destined to rejoin someday the House of the Father. Salvation is available to everyone, without exception. Only those who refuse God deliberately are condemned. To him who has been given little, little will be asked for. To whomever has been given much, very much will be required. It is God alone, in His infinite justice, Who determines the degree of responsibility and pronounces judgment."

“All religions are similar before God. God rules over them just like a sovereign over His kingdom. In the world, all religions are not the same because people have not complied with the commandments of God. They reject and disparage them."

So I hope any non-Catholics reading this don’t take me the wrong way. I have felt, and do still feel, that any religion that brings you closer to God is good.

However, I have found a new love and respect for the religion I was raised on. And a big reason for that is learning the “why” behind things.

And I've decided that I’m drafting St. Ignatius and Mary for my spiritual team. Whose on yours?

Wednesday – Last day in Medjugorje

For my last day in Medjugorje, I decided to do my own thing – to have a solitary day. But it wasn’t really solitary..I spent it with Jesus and Mary and many amazing people that I met along the way.

The Statue of the Risen Christ

After mass, I headed to the statue of the Risen Christ. At the start of our trip, it was Italy’s version of Labor Day and it was also Mirjiana’s monthly apparition, so there were SO MANY people here. When I had previously visited the statue, the line to touch the statue where it’s weeping was really really long, and so instead we just sat and prayed for awhile.

There are still a lot of Italians here, since Italy is so close by, so I strategically went to the statue during the Italian mass.

The line wasn’t too bad. I stood waiting and watched as pilgrim after pilgrim climbed up on the step stool and touched the knee of the statue, where the fluid comes from.

If you recall from my other post, they tested the fluid and said it’s unlike any fluid we have on Earth, but that the closes thing it resembles is a human tear. That’s why people describe the statue as “weeping.”

You might ask – so…why is the KNEE weeping? And I wouldn’t blame you…because I asked the same thing.

The thing is, the statue is many times taller than a person, so if anywhere else was weeping, you wouldn’t be able to reach it…so my guess is it's for convenience sake. But apparently, one of the visionaries said she thinks it is to remind us to get on our knees in prayer.

Definitely wouldn't be able to reach the face if it was weeping...

Anyway there have been healings documented as result of the tears, such as a blind man being able to see and a woman who was healed of breast cancer after touching the fluid.

Most pilgrims touch the tears and make a sign of the cross, and a lot of people also buy these little handkerchiefs and they wipe the tears with it and then bring them home to friends and family to bless them.

So I’m standing in line, and you can’t really see much besides people wiping this statue. It’s not like there’s just water pouring out of it or anything, So I started to wonder – how much fluid is there? Is it coming out of a crack? What is this going to look like…?  And I’ll do my best to describe it for you:

As I got closer, I started to see. There isn’t a crack or a hole or anything, but there is a droplet of clear fluid that just kind of forms and then starts rolling down the statue. Exactly like a tear forms in a tear duct and then rolls down a face. If you wipe the tear away, another one replaces it immediately.

This bronze statue of the risen Christ is sitting in the hot sun, being buffed and dried by hundreds of people., and it weeps without ceasing.

It’s absolutely incredible. There is no explanation for it. I climbed up for my turn with the statue and just watched as a teardrop formed and fell. I caught it and put it to my forehead. I caught the next and put it to my heart. I stared up at the risen Christ and thought 'Dear Lord – You truly can do anything. You can defy the power of death and also the laws of nature. Thank You God, for this miracle. Thank you for your suffering and your tears. Thank you for your gift of mercy and eternal life. Lord, if You were here I would wipe away every tear and ask that You not weep for me, but for those who do not know You.'

I swiped another tear and brought my fingers to my lips, then placed my kiss back on the spot, and then gave the next person their turn.

Here's a decent video of the statue weeping. In this video, the tears seem to be forming in THREE places, but when I was there it was just the top two, and mostly the middle one.

I stood in front of the statue for a little while and reflected on the Passion, the Resurrection, and the Wonder of God’s plan, and I ended up weeping next to the weeping statue.

Thank God for sunglasses! :)

Once More to the Castle

It was a beautiful, beautiful day. Sunny and 70 degrees, and I didn’t know what to do next. Going back to the Castle popped into my head as an idea so I decided to make the long walk in the sunshine.

When I arrived, I found Nancy in the kitchen and she said, “You’re just in time, Patrick is giving testimony in the main hall in English! Go!” I had a fleeting thought that I’d already heard it and didn’t need to again, but when Nancy tells you to do something, you do it happily.

So, I walked into the main hall and grabbed a seat and listened to Patrick’s story for a second time. It was just as beautiful and moving as the first time around. One specific thing I took away from hearing it the second time was about his oldest child, the one he doesn’t really talk a lot about during the story besides to say “my oldest child was into so much immorality that I can’t even speak about it.” It turns out, the oldest child is still umoved by the changes in Patrick, and so there isn’t a ton of closure there. Patrick says that he consecrated his child to the Blessed Mother, and that Mary promised that if you do that, She promises to save them in the end, and he said that promise brings him a world of comfort.

After the testimony, I was able to talk to Patrick alone for a bit (a rare, rare opportunity!). He mentioned that some people are really offended by the part of his talk where he says that going to Confession is the most important thing he ever did, and that one time this week, a woman got up and walked out during that part!

Wouldn’t you know it, right after he said that, a woman from the talk he just gave came up and told him how wonderful of a story it was and how grateful she was that he gave it and then she says, “And the part about confession! So wonderful. It truly is a powerful force and an amazing thing that priests can do! I was so happy to hear you say that.”

It wasn’t that Patrick needed the affirmation that he should continue telling that part of his story (he wouldn’t have stopped just for one upset person), but it was just impeccable timing.

Afterwards, I also confided in him that hearing his story was one of the things that finally made me decide to go to confession for the first time in 6 years, and I told him how I had had some less-than-great confession experiences previously, so he told me about one he had like that, too.

Later that day, I ended up Skyping with my sister Michelle, and she told me, “The number one impact that you’ve had on me so far reading about your experiences is that I’ve decided to go to confession again, after not going for over 12 years.”

Sometimes the terrible things that happen in the world can snowball, gathering mass and force and speed and becoming a vicious cycle of bad influencing and creating more bad. It’s so wonderful when good things and blessings and changes of heart can snowball instead! When one person’s conversion influences another’s, theirs can influence someone else’s too, and so on!

Isn’t God great!?

By the way - if you want to watch Patrick's testimony for yourself, this is the best video I can find on YouTube. It's a little weird because it's being translated into French as well, but it's still good, and it shows that people from all over the world come to hear Patrick's testimony.

After chatting with Patrick for awhile and realizing that my friends from the day before (Josh, Dan, and Elisa) were not there, I told him that I should probably get going and so I gave him a hug goodbye and taught him how to “hand-hug.”

I went and found Nancy by part of the castle that’s under construction, and she was with a group of Americans who were from Iowa, of all places. One woman was originally from Madison, one has a son-in-law who works at Epic, and one is actually a nurse at the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics (my customer)! Isn’t that wild?

I don’t really believe in coincidences in Medjugorje.

I had a really pleasant conversation with them and then a young woman who was with them, Lindsay, gave me her email and told me she could get me in touch with someone in Iowa City if I was interested in joining a prayer group or something while I’m working there.

I’ve been praying for months to find a prayer group or a life group like I had in college. Who would have thought I would find one on the other side of the world? Seek and ye shall find, I guess! Now I need to keep praying for one in Madison!

Lindsay ended up helping me find my way back to the church (I took a detour while chatting with them) and we were able to talk a little more about our paths to Medjugorje.

Before we left the castle, Nancy shared a little bit of her story as it had intertwined with Patrick’s. She said that when her brother sent them the book of messages, she saw that the main message was a call to conversion, and since she went to mass twice a year and believed in God, she considered herself a practicing Catholic, so she said, “The messages are good, but they’re not for me. I don’t need to be converted.”

As I’ve found this week, conversion doesn’t just mean believing in God. It doesn’t just mean going to church occasionally. It means converting your lifestyle, doing everything you can to seek Jesus, to praise God, and to be an example of Christ’s love.

Your heart can't even contain the joy that comes from Nancy kisses!

The Climb – Apparition Hill Barefoot

I made it back from the castle and grabbed lunch, then changed clothes and headed out to Apparition Hill. I knew I wanted to climb one of the mountains barefoot (people do it as a means of suffering with Jesus and offering it up to God) but I didn’t want to do it the first time, because I knew I would be agonizing the whole time like ‘how much FARTHER is it?!’

After climbing both with hiking shoes, I decided I would do Apparition Hill barefoot, because it is much, much shorter. Then, if I could do that, maybe someday I will do Cross Mountain without shoes.

So I walked up to the hill, put my Toms shoes in my purse, pulled out my rosary, and started climbing.

It wasn’t too bad at first. But it never got easier, only harder.

In reflection, it’s a little bit like life with faith and life without faith:

Climbing with shoes on/life without faith – you can walk up the rocks rather quickly, and you don’t really look where you step because it doesn’t matter if it’s sharp. You make your own way up the mountain, as you please.  What you might not think about is that each sharp rock is taking a toll on your shoes. Each step is wearing them down, and someday, after enough battering, the shoes will simply fall apart (there are actually some soles of shoes discarded along the way). You can wrap your soul in earthly things and you might feel comfortable and in control, but it’s really just temporary and you will find that you didn’t do anything to strengthen or nourish your soul along the way.

Climbing without shoes on/life with faith – you have to go up much slower, and you can only take it one step at a time as you try to find the right place to put your foot. You climb with caution, aware of your limits and of the vulnerability of your bare feet. You have to test the footing carefully before putting your full weight on it, and make sure that it won’t harm you and won’t support you. You don’t really choose your own path, you just look for the right spots and head in the right general direction. Sometimes you go too fast on your own and end up on something sharp. Sometimes it’s painful even when you’re going cautiously. And man, is it tiring. But at the end, when you sit down to rest and wash your feet, it feels wonderful and you understand what it means to rest. Similarly, if you approach life with faith and understanding of what can harm your vulnerable soul, you will not only strength it but protect it in the long-term.

I didn’t experience a fraction of the pain that Jesus must have experienced being whipped, crowned with thorns, and crucified, and I don’t really understand how or why God uses suffering as part of His plan, but I do know that Jesus’ passion is what saved all of us.

The only way I can even begin to comprehend it is if I think of it this way: when we’re kids, our parents have to punish us in order to teach us what is wrong and what is right. Grounding us or putting us in timeout doesn’t mean they don’t love us, it means that they are trying to teach us how to be good.

For example, let’s say a brother and a sister get into trouble for being up to no good, and one the older brother says, “It was all my idea. Don’t punish my sister” – the brother steps up to take the punishment and “suffers” more than they needed to out of love – in order to save their sister from suffering. Maybe some parents would see through it and say “Nice try, I know you both are equally guilty” but doing so would teach their son not to sacrifice for another out of love, and just imagine how that little girl would feel, seeing her brother take her punishment for her, and getting off scotch-free even though she knows she is equally guilty. That would probably have a much more profound impact on her than being grounded would.

So that’s kind of what Jesus did for us. Only there’s two big differences: 1) Jesus is totally blameless and did it anyway and 2) God=Jesus=Holy Spirit=God, which means God was right there with Jesus on the cross, which means God Himself accepted our punishment for us.

Isn’t that incredible? Doesn’t that make you feel loved?

So that’s kind of what I tried to do climbing Apparition Hill barefoot. I devoted the climb to the conversion of some specific people that I love and I asked God to accept my suffering for their sake.  If they never convert, if they face Final Judgment and they never accepted God into their hearts, I pray that my suffering and my prayers can ease their punishment and lead to their eventual salvation.

We are so touched in movies and books when a group of people are facing impossible odds, being chased by enemies and one person decides to stay behind and says, “You go on ahead. I’ll slow them down.” They sacrifice themselves in order to save their loved ones.

How heroic! How loving! How good, since now the other protagonists will survive!

And then we turn around and we say, “How can suffering ever be for the good?”

I’m not saying that I fully understand God’s purposes or plan – I definitely do not. I’m not even saying that I’m totally right about this…I’m just trying to find a way to conceptualize it that make sense to me.

I’m also not saying that God causes all suffering, or that He delights in suffering. On the contrary, I think that He wants to comfort us when we suffer, and heal us when we’re ill (look at all the miraculous healings Jesus did!). But I believe that He can bring Good out of everything – including bad things like suffering. I also believe that like a loving and wise parent, He might view an intentional decision to suffer for the sake of another out of love as a beautiful and wonderful thing.

In fact He might even look at it and say, “I understand. I’ve been there.”

Anyway…I’m writing this on the bus ride to Dubrovnik, and I’ll have to post it later. We’re spending the day in Dubrovnik and then start the long trip back to the States early in the morning.

I hope you don’t mind the reflections intermingled with the narrative. And I hope you comment if you have thoughts (even arguments). I think I will be processing this past week for quite awhile, and plan to continue blogging about it – and you’re more than welcome to stay with me as this literal journey ends and flows into my continued journey back home :)

Peace. Peace. Peace.

P.S. If you want to see one of the visionaries having an apparition, here is Mirjiana's apparition from March of this year and here is the message from Mary during this apparition.

Monday on Cross Mountain and Tuesday Adventures

There were two things that happened on Monday that I didn't get a chance to blog about - - I climbed Mt. Krizevac (also called Cross Mountain) and I went to a late night apparition Ivan had at the Blue Cross.

Today (Tuesday), we went on a mini excursion to Šurmanci and Počitelj, then I went back to Nancy and Patrick's castle, and then I participated in the Tuesday (formerly Wednesday) evening program.

Mt Krizevac (literally translated to "Mount of the Cross")

In the 1920s-1930s, Medjugorje had terrible hailstorms that destroyed their crops and even their livestock. The town of Medjugorje has historically been a fairly poor town (they were still using horses and wagons in the 1980s!), and these hailstorms were destroying their livelihood.

Franjo told us that the older women in the village came up with the idea to erect a giant cross on the top of Mt. Krizevac (formerly known as Mt. Sipovac) to commemorate the 1900th anniversary of Jesus' death and resurrection. The people of the town hauled cement, water, wood, etc (everything they needed to build the cross) up it's treacherous slopes (it's quite rocky and steep) and they built the cross ~30 feet high. Embedded in the cross are several relics from Rome for the occasion, including a piece of the cross which is believed to be the one on which Jesus was crucified.

On the cross, they engraved the words, "To Jesus Christ, Redeemer of the human race, as a sign of their faith, love and hope, the pastor Bernadine Smoljan and the parish of Medjugorje erected this cross. From every evil deliver us, O Jesus."

The cross was a covenant that the town of Medjugorje made with God, to protect them from hailstorms. Apparently, they haven't had a hailstorm since. But - on days when they know a big storm is coming, they ring the bell on St. James church all day long to remind God of their covenant, haha.

Mary has revealed that the cross was all part of God's plan: “Dear children, the cross was also in God’s plan when you built it. These days especially, go on the mountain and pray before the cross. I need your prayers. Thank you for having responded to my call.” Which makes me wonder - when did God choose Medjugorje?!? The beginning of time, or what?

On the way up to the top, there are bronze sculptures and crosses signifying the stations of the cross. So just as pilgrims climb apparition hill and pray the rosary on the way up, you also climb Cross Mountain and do the Stations of the Cross on the way up. It was a really tough climb. Some people do it barefoot. I wasn't quite up for that yet...

The top was gorgeous. I did some praying/writing/reflecting while appreciating the view:

Lord, You fell carrying Your cross three times.
How many times in my life have I fallen?
God, give me both the strength to rise and the strength to keep from falling in the first place.
Your power can move mountains...or help 60 year-olds climb them :).

I also did some reflecting on my week in Medjugorje and the inspiration I've found here...but I'll save that for its own post.

Ivan's Apparition

Ivan, Marija, and Vicka still see Our Lady daily at 6:40pm, but sometimes She appears extra times. She appeared yesterday during Ivan's Monday night prayer group.

I headed to the Blue Cross for the apparition, and I will confess I brought my iPad with me because I was going early (at 8:30 for a 10pm apparition) and I thought it might be good to have something to do. So silly of me. There wasn't any still time to read because we were praying the whole 1.5 hours leading up to the apparition!

We prayed a Rosary, and then the men from the Community of Cenacolo led everyone in praise songs - in all different languages. It was beautiful! Then at 9:30, we prayed a Rosary to prepare for Our Lady's coming.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if every time there was downtime and silence, it was filled with open prayer and public worship? What if on the L train in Chicago, passengers were singing "Amazing Grace" or in line at the DMV, people prayed the Rosary?

Anyway, here is Ivan's description of the apparition:

“Tonight I would like to describe what is the most important from tonight’s meeting with Our Lady. Also tonight Our Lady came to us joyful and happy and at the beginning, She greeted us with Her Motherly greeting, ‘Praised be Jesus my dear children.’ Then, for awhile, with Her arms extended, She prayed over all of us here and She prayed especially over the sick present here. Then, in a special way, I recommended all of you, the sick present here, all your needs, your intentions. Then Our Lady said:

'Dear children, also today, in a special way, I desire to call you, through this time, to pray for my intentions and my plans that I desire to realize with the world, with this parish, and with my Church. Dear children, pray and be persevering in prayer. Thank you also today for having responded to my call.'

“Then Our Lady blessed all of us with Her Motherly blessing, and She also blessed everything you brought to be blessed. After that, I recommended all of you, all of your needs, your intentions, and your families. After that Our Lady continued to pray over all of us there and left in that prayer, in an illuminated Sign of the Cross, with a greeting, ‘Go in peace my dear children.’ This is what would be the most important from tonight’s meeting.”

I didn't see a bright light or anything (I guess sometimes that happens) and I couldn't really even see Ivan in the darkness, but I was 20-30 feet away from the Mother of God and I felt truly blessed :)

Šurmanci - the Relic for St. Faustina

I heard the story of St. Maria Faustina and the Divine Mercy of Jesus earlier this week. In 1931, He appeared to Her and told her to paint an image of Him with red and pale rays radiating from His heart with a caption: "Jesus, I trust in You!" He told her, "I desire that this image be venerated, first in your chapel, and then throughout the world. I promise that the soul that venerates this image will not perish. I also promise victory over its enemies already here on Earth, especially at the hour of death. I Myself will defend it as My own glory."

She asked about the significance of the rays, and Jesus told her, "The two rays denote Blood and Water. The pale ray stands for the Water which makes souls righteous. The red ray stands for the Blood which is the life of souls. These two rays poured forth from the very depths of My tender mercy when My agonized Heart on the Cross was opened by the lance."

Along with this image (which I had seen before, but never knew the history of), St. Faustina was given the following prayer for Divine Mercy from Jesus:

"This prayer will serve to appease My wrath. You will recite it for nine days, on the beads of the Rosary, in the following manner: first of all, you will say one Our Father and Hail Mary and the I Believe in God. Then, on the Our Father beads, you will say the following words: ‘Eternal Father, I offer You the Body and Blood, Soul and Divinity of Your dearly beloved Son, Our Lord Jesus Christ, for our sins and those of the whole world.’ On the Hail Mary beads you will say the following words: ‘For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world.’ In conclusion, three times you will recite these words: ‘Holy God, Holy Mighty One, Holy Immortal One, have mercy on us and on the whole world'"

"Recite the chaplet unceasingly that I have taught you. Whoever recites it will receive great mercy at the hour of death. Priests will recommend it to sinners as their last hope of salvation. Even in the case of the most hardened sinner, if he were to recite this chaplet only once, he would receive grace from My infinite mercy. I desire that the whole world know My infinite mercy. I desire to grant unimaginable graces to those souls that trust in My mercy."

Yesterday, Rosemary gave me a "How to pray the Divine Mercy" pamphlet, and then today, David and Franjo suggested we do it in this church in Šurmanci (without knowing I had just heard of it).

To add to the significance, we prayed this prayer in front of a shrine to the Divine Mercy with a life size icon of the Divine Image - which came to life and healed Ugo Festa of multiple sclerosis in 1990 (the shrine has since been moved from Rome to Šurmanci).

When we repeated "For the sake of His sorrowful Passion, have mercy on us and on the whole world" I found myself crying.

The Lord offers us infinite mercy, and all we have to do is ask for it and show mercy to others.

There is also a relic of St. Faustina there (part of her bone I believe).

I think the funniest part of the trip was that Franjo turned onto this winding road leading down the mountain to Šurmanci and Kelly joked, "How are your brakes?" and Franjo joked right back, "Now, I teach you how to pray with the heart." Hahahahaha.

Počitelj

We decided to do a little sight-seeing and went to see the town of Počitelj, which has a castle with a long and complicated history...mostly, it was just fun to do something a little different and stand on a castle wall on a sunny, 70 degree day :)

Back to Nancy and Patrick's Castle

When I met Nancy and Patrick earlier this week, I was absolutely overwhelmed by their faith, their love, and their story. I saw Nancy at mass on Sunday and I went over to hug her and let her know that she really made an impression on me and that I want to be like her, because she radiates love and joy.

She told me, "It is all from the Mother - She loves and so I love. God Bless you, you are so beautiful" and she hugged me and the joy and warmth I felt in my heart was so real that I started crying. She told me to come by again before I left town.

So, I dropped in today, not knowing what to expect but just hoping to spend some more time with these amazing people.

When I arrived, Nancy was giving Patrick's testimony in Italian to a large group. I sat in the sun and watched for a bit, and then after it was over and everyone started to clear out, I headed into the kitchen to find her. She gave me a big hug and told me she was so glad that I came back. She introduced me to Josh, a 23-year old who was staying there and said "You both speak English! Talk!"

I almost died of shock to have the opportunity to talk to someone my age lol!

Josh is from Kentucky and we talked a little bit about how we ended up in Medjugorje and then he got pulled away to clean some dishes. Then I met Daniel, who is from Steubenville, Ohio and is studying International Business and we talked about business and my work and vertical integration and I didn't even care what we were talking about because he was younger than 60 years old!!!

Haha I joke - I adore the people in my group, they're all twice my age and they told me I have a lot of sets of parents while I'm here haha. I've drank with them and eaten with them and prayed with them and climbed mountains with them and they're wonderful, but it was a real blessing to spend some time with people my age today.

So Dan and I talked quite a bit, and then I met Elisa, who is Italian and doesn't speak that much English, and I could barely even bring any Italian words to mind to try and converse with her, but she was hilarious still. Then Josh "gave me a tour" of the castle (which mostly consisted of him saying he didn't really know what anything was except for where the guys stay haha), but it was fun to just explore the castle on the beautiful day.

I almost forgot - Josh showed me his Rosary because the links had all turned to gold. This is a really common miracle at Medjugorje, but I hadn't seen it until today.

It's kind of hard to tell from this picture, but the links used to be silver like the cross and medal, and now they're golden

I did get a chance to ask Nancy why they built it like a castle, and she said it was inspired by St. Teresa of Avila, who wrote "The Interior Castle," which was based on a vision she had of the soul as a crystal globe in the shape of a castle containing seven mansions, which she interpreted as the journey of faith through seven stages, ending with union with God.

The Evening Program - Adoration

The day ended with outdoor Adoration of the Eucharist from 10pm-11pm, for which I sat next to a very good-looking German boy (who gave me his cushion for kneeling on the pavement - where do I find guys like him in the U.S.?!?) and his mother. The Adoration included singing praise in several different languages and it was beautiful, especially after the sermon at mass today.

The priest who gave the sermon at mass today (there are about 15 in attendance for every English mass) was from Marquette, Michigan, and his sermon was really wonderful. He talked about how the Eucharist is not only a memento for us to remember Jesus by (the same way a wife might give her husband a picture before he goes off to war, Jesus gave us the Eucharist to remember him by), but it's even MORE than that because Jesus Himself is present in the Eucharist.

So basically, He said "I will be leaving you soon, but I love you so much and can't stand to be apart from you so here is this gift to remember me by and to know that I am with you."

If a wife could physically be with her husband in any way, she would do so, but we don't have the power that God has, so we have to settle on a picture or a letter etc.

Jesus does not settle. He found a way to remain with us :)


Aaaaand now it's almost 1am and I am SO READY FOR BED! Tomorrow is my last day in Medjugorje, because Thursday we are leaving for a day in Dubrovnik and we fly out of there very early in the morning on Friday. I'll have to make the most of tomorrow!

Peace ♥

Blue Cross, Apparition Hill, and The Smiling Visionary

I didn't blog everything from yesterday, so now I have to make up for it with a long post, before I fall even more behind!!!

SUNDAY - Sunday after mass, my group decided to visit Blue Cross and Apparition Hill. Later, I went to confession (see other post for details).

Blue Cross

Early on in the apparitions, Mary appeared to Ivan and his friend near the base of Apparition Hill. She warned them that there were militia coming down the mountain and that they should stay there, be quiet and let them pass down.

Later, Ivan's friend felt inspired to mark the spot where Our Lady appeared to him and Ivan, so he decided to build a large cross. However, the government was really unhappy about anything related to the apparitions (people were getting arrested and it was forbidden to go up either mountain) so he was afraid of marking the real spot. Therefore, he placed a large wooden Blue Cross about 20-30 feet away from the spot.

The next day, he found the cross chopped in half. This time, he made the cross out of metal and painted it blue (I asked why blue, and our guide, Franjo (pronounced Frahn-yo) said it was the only color paint he had), and placed it on the spot. That metal cross still stands today.

However, once the Communist government was dissolved and the believers in Medjugorje no longer needed to be afraid of anyone, they but another Blue Cross in the REAL spot where Mary appeared. Mary has appeared there to the visionaries thousands of times, including this past week when we were there for Mirjiana's monthly apparition and also today (Monday) for Ivan's apparition.

Apparition Hill

Apparition Hill is the mountain where the children first saw Our Lady. They saw her near the top, holding a baby, and they were scared, so they ran away. However, on the second day, they went back to the mountain and some curious villagers followed. Again, Mary appeared, and this time, the children RAN up the mountain. All witnesses describe it as "it was if they flew up the mountain."

I didn't really appreciate that description until I actually saw the terrain for myself:

There are a ton of rocks in all different shapes and sizes, the mountain is pretty steep, and there are also trees and thornbushes – it’s a hill that you have to climb slowly and carefully, so the fact that they went zooming up to where they saw Our Lady is actually a bit shocking – maybe they DID fly a little bit…

So anyway, the visionaries had the apparitions on this mountain for a little while, until the militia guarded it and forbade anyone to go up it. Franjo told us that on the third day of the apparitions, there were already a lot of people hearing about what was happening and coming and asking the children all about Our Lady and what She said, and asking the visionaries to ask Mary something or to pray for something specific. So on the 3^rd day, the visionaries were coming down Apparition Hill and it was very crowded. Marija felt “an evil force” push her forward – and she was about to fall headfirst into a thornbush when Mary appeared and prevented it. Mary said “Peace. Peace. Peace. Peace between men and peace between men and God.”

Marija said that normally during the apparition, Mary has a cross of white light in the background behind her, but when Our Lady appeared and prevented her from falling into the thornbush, she had a gray, wooden cross behind her.

So there is a wooden cross there now, in the spot where Our Lady saved Marija from her fall (you might be sensing a theme here…a lottttta crosses in this town haha).

Anyway, as you climb Apparition Hill, there are five beautiful bronze sculptures along the way, representing the five Joyful Mysteries. As the story goes, in the first decade of the apparitions, pilgrims were coming from all over the world and climbing the mountain, and because Our Lady instructs us to pray the rosary, they were doing so on their way up. One of the pilgrims was an Italian man named Carmelo Puzzolo. Puzzolo felt inspired to make bronze sculptures of the joyful mysteries, and he told Father Slavko that he would like to do so. Father Slavko said “Great! What do you need?” and Puzzolo said he needed bronze. So Father Slavko took his contact information and said, “We’ll be in touch.” The very next day, two men approached Father Slavko and said, “We’d like to help Medjugorje in any way we can, what can we do to help?” And Father asked them what they did for a living and they said, “We are in the metals industry.” So! These two men donated the bronze that Puzzolo needed to make his beautiful sculptures.

One of the many beautiful examples of how God’s plan can unfold!

Anyway, Franjo told us this story before we prayed the first decade of the rosary at the first sculpture on the climb, and he told us that one time he was telling a group this story, and an old man who he hadn’t even noticed sitting there came over and said in broken English, “Do you like it?” and Franjo said, “Yes, of course! I’ve been praying here for 20 years, I love it.” And the old man started crying like a child and said, “I am Carmelo Puzzolo.”

He was too old to climb any higher on the mountain, but he told Franjo that he was so happy that Franjo was sharing that story, and also that all the pilgrims liked his art and prayed at it.

The other important thing to know about Apparition Hill is that near the top (where Mary first appeared to the visionaries) is where the visible, indestructible, beautiful lasting sign (the 3rd secret Mary has told the visionaries) will be. Mary says that this lasting sign will be proof that the apparitions are legitimate and that no one will question the authenticity after. She also says it will be a call to conversion, but that there won't be much time after, which is why She is calling urgently for conversion now.

There is a statue of Mary there now:

MONDAY - Vicka's talk, Cross Mountain, and Ivan's Extra Apparition

The Smiling Visionary

First thing this morning, my group headed off to an orphanage on the outskirts of town to hear Vicka (pronounced veesh-ka) talk. Vicka is often seen as the leader of the visionaries (she is the oldest and the most outgoing) and she is also called "the smiling visionary." After seeing her, I can see why:

Bro, put your hair down so I can see...

The entire time that Vicka talked to us she was smiling and waving and blowing kisses at the crowd. She spoke in Italian and then handed the mic to her left for the English translation. Here are some highlights from her talk:

Our Lady says that our faith is like a flower. When we water a flower, we can see it blossom and grow. In the same way, when we say prayers in our hearts, they are growing and blossoming like a rose. When you don't water the flower, you see how it is dying. Our Lady says, as the flower is not able to live without water, you are not able to live without God's Grace.

You cannot study prayer of the heart, you can only live it.

Our Lady says that it's okay for those who are sick to not fast, and that they can give up something else instead. But she said those who are healthy should fast and not make excuses such as "I will get a headache." She said, if you fast out of love for Her and Jesus, you won't have any problems. All you need is a strong will.

Our Lady says, "We [Jesus and I] are always close to you, but you must open your hearts to feel how much we love you."

She also said that we shouldn't go to confession just to get forgiveness, but that we should ask our priest/spiritual director etc. for advice on how to stop sinning.

Vicka said Our Lady is very worried about the young people in the world, and when She talks about them, She looks sad. Mary emphasizes that their situation in today's world is very difficult, and that we all need to love them and pray for them with our hearts. "Dear Children," She said, "So many things in today's world are temporary. But this is a time of Great Grace. Accept my message and live it with your hearts."

Mary says we need to pray for peace in the following order:
1. Pray for peace in our hearts
2. Pray for peace in our families
3. Pray for peace in the world

She also said that we need to pray for our priests, bishops, the pope, and the whole church because the church is "in need of prayer."

Mary also asked that we pray for one of Her plans, because it's important that it be realized.

The last thing Vicka talked about was how Mary took her and Jacov to Heaven, Purgatory, and Hell when he was 10 and she was 17.

She said the apparition took about 20 minutes, and Jacov thought that they were going to die, so he told Mary She should just take Vicka, since Vicka's mother had many children, but his mom only had him (hahahaha).

Mary took them by their hands, the cieling opened up, and they went through. The next moment, they were in Heaven.

Vicka said Heaven is a great space. There is light that doesn't exist here on Earth. All the people in heaven looked to be about the same age, and they were dressed in green, yellow, and rose colors. The people were all united in prayer and singing, praising God. There were also some angels floating around, joining in the praise. Vicka felt the joy in Heaven and said that it cannot be described with words, but its joy that we simply cannot feel or even imargine here on Earth.

Next, Mary took them to Purgatory. Purgatory is also a great space, but Vicka couldn't see any people. "Everything was gray as ash." Vicka could feel the physical suffering of the souls in Purgatory. Mary said, "All these souls are waiting for prayers from people on Earth in order to get into Heaven."

Last, Our Lady took them to Hell. Vicka said she saw a huge fire, and saw people going into the fire and then coming out the other side "like beasts - as if they had never been people at all." Mary said of all the souls in Hell, "It was their decision to go to Hell." She said that those people on Earth who cut themselves off from God's grace are already living in Hell, and after this world, they just continue doing so.

Our Lady said that we are just "passing by" Earth. She said that some people believe once this life is over, that is it, but that is a "great mistake" because life continues after Earth.

After Vicka was done sharing, she said she wanted to spend some time in silent prayer with us. She said Mary tells us that we "talk too much and pray too little" so she wanted to pray with us.

When we started, Vicka spent some time looking out at the crowd and making eye contact with the people there. It seemed like she was trying to memorize everyone's face. Then she closed her eyes and stood silently and still ... for over 20 minutes.

And let me tell you, I have been doing A LOT of praying this week, but I barely even knew what to do with 20 minutes of silence, and neither did everyone else. Slowly but surely, everyone started kind of shifting their weight and looking around...a couple people headed towards the bathroom, some other people left.

Vicka just stood there in silence with her palms together and a smile on her face.

Eventually, my group decided that we should go, because mass was in 10 minutes and Our Lady has been very clear that mass should be our number one priority (She told the visionaries if they had a chance to have an apparition with Her or a chance to go to mass, they must go to mass). So we left before the silence ended.

David said she has seen her pray silently like that for over 40 minutes. Holy cow. That's twice as long as I sat through, and it felt like an ETERNITY.

I was trying to sit there and tell myself "you're praying with a woman who is basically a saint. She hangs out with the Blessed Mother every day and she is way holier than you'll ever be. Try harder!" but it was way harder than it should have been.

As Rosemary said, "Wow, she really shows us that we have no idea how to pray."

Anyway it's almost 1am and I'm hitting a wall. I'll have to save Cross Mountain and Ivan's Extra Apparition for tomorrow's post. Goodnight!

Confession

I went to my first confession in six years today. The first thing I said was, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I enjoy German Nutella more than Italian Nutella..."

Juuuust kidding. I didn't say that. However, I am enjoying a pre-dinner snack of pretzels and German Nutella and it is quite delicious...

Anyway, I did really go to confession today for the first time in six years, and I would like to share some of it with you. Not everything ... :) but some of it.

So, this afternoon my group and I climbed Apparition Hill (another post to come later about that), and afterwards we got a drink and then went our separate ways. I went to church to participate in the sacrament of Reconciliation.

I mentioned this in one of my posts yesterday, but I haven't had the greatest experience with Confession. I've gone three times in my life (before today).

First experience: I honestly can't remember. It was part of Sunday school and I have no idea what I might have confessed.
Second experience: I was forced to go to confession as part of my punishment from my parents for shoplifting. I told the police and my parents that the time I got caught was the first time I had ever done it. That was a lie. I've admitted the lie to my parents since, but at the time I was too afraid to tell them the truth because they kept telling me that they would be worried if it wasn't my first time because people can get addicted to shoplifting. I knew that I would never do it again (the image of my dad waiting for me at the police station and the feeling I had walking up to him was burned in my mind and heart forever and I knew that would defeat any temptation I would ever have - and it did) so I lied to them. When they forced me to go to confession, I confessed to the priest that I had shoplifted, but I lied and said I had only done it once. I was so afraid that the priest would tell my parents that I lied during confession! Needless to say, I didn't exactly walk away from that feeling much better.
Third experience: I was at church camp my senior year of high school, and I was an enormous goody two shoes, but the one thing that I felt really guilty about was that I fought with my mom all the time (I talked about this in yesterday's post, too). I confessed this to the priest at church camp and he told me it was really no big deal. I don't even remember if he asked me to say the act of contrition or if he absolved me, but I walked away feeling belittled instead of light-hearted.

So from that point on, I decided that I didn't like confession and wouldn't go unless I committed a mortal sin (which I wasn't planning on ever doing).

However, this week in Medjugorje changed things. One of Mary's main messages to the world is that we need to go to confession. Yesterday, I heard Patrick's testimony about his sinful life and how amazing it was to go to confession and how the power to absolve sins is the greatest power God has given man. Then I heard the story of the children touching Mary and making her dress dirty.

I had decided that I would definitely go sometime this week, but I didn't know when.

So after climbing Apparition Hill, I decided to go.

It was COLD here today. Under 50 and cloudy and windy and rainy. I stood in line for the confessional for about a half hour, and my legs were shaking from the climb I had done earlier and the rest of my body was also trembling slightly from the cold and also from fear.

Going into a little room and confessing your "darkest" secrets to a total stranger is terrifying. Wondering if you even have the courage to do it (my sins aren't even that bad!!!) is painful. Remembering how it made you feel before (when you've had a couple bad experiences) is sickening.

I stood there and clutched my rosary and just prayed to Mary that She would give me strength. I told her that if I ever got the chance to touch Her, I wouldn't want to make Her dress dirty.

The priest in the confessional that I was waiting for looked old and mean and I thought about the things I wanted to confess from my college experience and cringed a little bit...

As I was waiting, the bells of the church played the first verse of "Amazing Grace" and I found some comfort in it. Then a round of "Ave Maria" broke out and I once again asked Mary for help.

Soon after, I saw a young priest in a Chelsea jacket grab a sign that said "English" and walk over to an open confessional. I immediately ditched my line and practically ran to that door to be his first of the day haha.

I told him about my previous confession experiences (including the fact that I lied during my 2nd confession) and that I hadn't been since I was 18. I let everything else out that I had been reflecting on in line, and without being able to help it, my voice shook and a few tears rolled down my cheeks.

I will pretty much tell anyone anything - including all of my sins - but for some reason, kneeling before God and admitting that they're sins and asking for forgiveness is so. much. harder.

This young British priest was very nice (thank you Mary!). He reassured me of God's love and forgiveness, offered me a tissue, gave me a penance, and absolved me of my sins.

He asked if I remembered the Act of Contrition and I said that I didn't, so he told me to repeat after him.

Oh my God, I am sorry that I have sinned against you.
Because you are so good, and with your help,
I will try not to sin again.
Amen.

I walked back into the chilly evening and took a deep breath. Sometimes, I have difficulty getting a full breath, but the breath I took felt like the deepest breath I've had in awhile. 

It felt like something had unclenched or relaxed in my chest area. It felt Good. I pray that Jesus takes the space in my heart where I had been holding that guilt and fills it with His love. ♥

I joined the Rosary that was going on and then knelt in silence at 6:40pm - during the daily apparition of Mary. Afterwards, I came back to the hotel with a bit of a lighter step :)

Vicka's House

I totally missed something from today in my last post!

In between the castle and the community, we went to Vicka's old house. Vicka (pronounced Veesh-kuh) is the oldest of the visionaries. There's no one living in the house where she grew up anymore, so anyone can come and walk around and go into Vicka's old room, where she had thousands of apparitions.

In Vicka's room, there is a dresser with a large statue of Jesus on it and a smaller statue of Mary. There used to be a larger statue of Mary, but it recently began glowing and so the Bishop or someone took it to see if there was anything "wrong" with it or something...(the attitudes of some church representatives just astound me. The pope and many priests are advocates of Medjugorje and recognize that something amazing is happening here, but there are several church representatives all over the world who still don't believe it's legitimate. For instance, when Ivan comes to the U.S., he is forbidden to have his daily apparition in a church. What the heck?!?).

Anyway, we sat in Vicka's room and our guide told us a little more about her. He grew up with her and said that before the apparitions, she never talked about anything religious. In fact, her older sister, Anna, was always much more devout, and so Vicka's grandmother used to joke that Mary made a big mistake choosing Vicka over Anna haha.

Our guide said a week or so before the apparitions began, Vicka's mother found two golden rosaries in their backyard. Back then, no one in the town really had rosaries except the little old ladies. Vicka's mom took the rosaries to the church and gave them to the priest to announce and ask if anyone had lost them, but no one claimed it.

A few days after the apparitions began, Vicka's mother told Vicka to ask Mary whose rosaries they were so that they could return them. After the apparition, Vicka said she asked and Mary smiled and said "I left those for you. I wanted to prepare you for my coming."

How cool would it be to have a rosary from heaven?!

In the 1980s, Vicka got very sick. There was a tumor in an inoperable spot in her brain and it caused her a lot of pain and made her unable to do very much. She spent a lot of time laying in her bed in her room, and when Mary appeared she would kneel before her during the apparition, then go right back to bed.

Vicka mailed a letter to the bishop’s commission investigating the apparitions and to her confessor indicating the exact date she would be cured of the tumor. Seven months later, on September 25, 1988, she asked the letters to be opened by the recipients in the presence of two witnesses. The letter stated that her brain tumor—not a punishment from God but a gift to aid in the conversion of souls—would be miraculously healed on that date, September 25. Her tumor is reported to have vanished on that date.

Our guide told us one more story before we left. Shortly after the apparitions began, the other children in Medjugorje kind of distanced themselves from the visionaries. They weren't sure that they believed them and they didn't really know what to think. Marija was apparently the most perturbed by this. 

One day, Marija was down in a field with the other children and Mary appeared to her and said "Let the children touch me." Marija asked her how could they when they couldn't see her? And Mary told her to lead them by the hand and bring them one by one to touch Her. So Marija did, and the children felt something there and were amazed and expressed their belief after having doubted.

Marija should have been happy that they finally believed her, but instead, she started crying. The other children asked "Why are you crying?" and she said "Our Lady's dress is covered in dirt!" Mary said "Those marks are your sins. You must go to confession" and all the children started going to confession regularly. The rest of the town soon followed.

Today, there are millions of confessions heard at Medjugorje each year. They offer confessions in multiple languages for two hours every single day, and Medjugorje has come to be known as the largest confessional in the world.

I haven't gone to confession since high school. I went one day at church camp, and the biggest thing that had been weighing me down at that age was that I didn't have a good relationship with my mother. I didn't drink, I didn't smoke, I didn't really date, I didn't cheat in school, I didn't lie very much, but I did fight with my mother all the time. It was like every conversation turned into a fight - everything that she said irritated me. I felt like she treated me like one of her second graders and I would respond like one. I realize now that we are very alike, and I tool her suggestions and commands as insults, because a lot of the time I had already thought of what she suggested. Other times, I felt like I couldn't vent to her without her trying to belittle my frustration. I know now that she was trying to teach me some perspective, but at the time I didn't receive it well.

Anyway, I told the priest about this and said I didn't feel like I was honoring my mother very well. His response was something along the lines of "That's it? Oh that's no big deal, a lot of teenage girls go through that."

....

Needless to say, I didn't exactly walk away feeling better. I felt like I had this huge thing that I was struggling with that I found very hard to admit that it was partially my fault (so much easier just to blame my mom) and I felt like the priest didn't even feel the need to forgive me because he considered it trivial.

It kind of put a bad taste in my mouth for confession. I felt like - if I haven't committed a mortal sin, why do I need to go to confession? The message I had gotten was that only big sins needed to be forgiven.

But I am definitely going to go to confession this week. I'm excited and nervous and praying for a better experience. I think I will find one, because this place is truly amazing and so many people from all over the world have bared their soul here.

And if I were to get the chance to touch Our Lady, I wouldn't want to make her dirty :)

A Visionary, a Castle, and a Rehab Center Unlike Any Other...

There is just so much to see and learn and share, it's almost overwhelming. But I know if I don't write about today right now, that tomorrow more will happen and I won't be able to fit it all in one post! So here it goes:

Ivan (one of the visionaries)'s Testimony

The first thing we did this morning was go to the area behind the church for a talk from Ivan. He spoke in Croatian, but there are translators translating real time over the radio, so we bought these portable radios and tuned into the English station.

Interesting fact about Ivan: Ivan actually lives in the U.S. half the year because married Miss Maryland and they want their kids to be educated in the U.S.

Ivan talked about first encountering Mary and his experience with Her, and the main themes of the message. It was really fascinating hearing him talk about it, and even more so that he confessed that he struggles with the messages as well. Part of me thought it must be easy if you get to talk to the Heavenly Mother every day, but it seems that he struggles both with the normal things we struggle with, and something special from his experience.

He said it's really difficult after he has the apparition, because "When Our Lady comes, every day She brings a piece of Heaven. Every day after the apparition, I need hours by myself to come back to the reality of this world...if you were to see Her, you wouldn't find this world as interesting anymore."

He shared some of the following messages from Mary:

"Humanity is in great danger. It is a danger to itself."
"Today's world cannot give you peace. Peace can be found in God only."
"Dear Children, if you are strong, the Church will be strong; if you are weak, the Church will be weak. You are the living Church."
"The mass should be the center of our lives. To attend Holy Mass is to meet Jesus and be with Him."

On Prayer:
"Don't pray with words - pray with the heart. Don't pray mechanically or out of tradition. Pray with love and out of love. Meet with Jesus and talk to Him. Prayer should be having rest with the Lord. After, you will be filled with peace and joy."
"If you desire to pray better, pray more. Praying more is a personal choice; praying better is a grace."

"Dear children, do not say that you do not have time for prayer. Time is not the problem. The problem is love. If you love someone, you will always have time for them."

Ivan said we must fast in order to purify ourselves and strengthen our spirit. He said we must forgive ourselves and then forgive others, and that until we do both of these things, we cannot be healed. Once we do both of these things, the Holy Spirit can enter into our hearts.

He also said we must not just talk about the messages and peace, but we must start living peace. He said Mary instructs us to "Be the living sign; the sign of the living faith."

Patrick's Testimony

We were going to walk up Apparition Hill today, but it was raining out, so we went out to "The Castle" instead.

We drove up to this place, and I was in awe. When I heard it was called the Castle, I pictured a house with one little turret or something. I didn't imagine that it would be so enormous and look like a real castle:

So we go inside the grounds of this castle (which just keeps GOING and is still under construction!) and we meet Nancy, and let me tell you, Nancy was like sunshine on today's rainy day. She was wearing an apron, in the middle of cooking, and hugging some people goodbye when we came in, and then she hugged all of us hello and told us how happy she was to see us, and she sounded so genuine and all I could think was "I just MET this woman!"

She was hugging and kissing everyone and just saying "Isn't God so wonderful?!?" and I can honestly say I didn't know what to do.  I was in shock over this modern day castle and in shock over this woman who was so obviously full of love and God's grace. You might be curious as to what Nancy and Patrick do and why they built this castle, but I'd like to tell the rest of the story first, so hold on tight...

I spent maybe 5 minutes in Nancy's presence and I was sorely disappointed to leave it. She handed out a stack of prayer cards with Mary's face on it (blessed by Our Lady yesterday at the apparition) to everyone and told them to take as many as we wanted, and proceeded to tell a story about some saint (or maybe her sister?) who was offered her pick of dolls and said "I want ALL of them!" And Nancy told us not to be shy and to take as many of the prayer cards as we want because Our Lady would want us to have them.

Unfortunately (but not surprisingly), Nancy had other responsibilities to attend to, so she bade us goodbye and we went inside this little chapel to hear Patrick's story:

Patrick grew up in Canada and told us how he was at a Catholic school and went to tryout for the football team, but the coach pointed him out in front of everyone and said "You can't play on the football team, you don't even pay to go to school here." Apparently, Patrick's dad was unemployed and on welfare, and he was attending school for free because they were so poor. Patrick said that was the day he stopped believing in God. He said he couldn't believe that a God existed if this Catholic coach at this Catholic school would do something like that.

Shortly after, he ended up dropping out of school entirely. He got a job washing cars, and later he started selling the cars. He ended up being a really good salesman and said he quickly rose as the top salesman at this dealership. Eventually, he ended up owning two dealerships of his own, and he said sales were really good. He had found a ton of success, but God was nowhere to be seen in his life.

He had about 28 salesmen working for him between the two dealerships, and he said on an especially good day, he would take them all to the bars until 4am or so. He said, "Do you know how much it costs to take 28 men out to the bar until 4am? Two divorces."

He said he was living a totally God-less life, and that his business was his god.

He has four kids, and when they would ask him about God, he would take cash out of his pocket and hand it to them and say "This is god."

His youngest son came back from school one day and said he had been baptized in the Anglican church. Patrick told him he can't be Anglican because he's Catholic and his son said "You've never taken us near a catholic church." He realized he was right and responded, "So you're Anglican? Fine, I don't care what you are."

Later, his Anglican son was kicked out of school for doing drugs. His older son was an alcoholic and his daughter got married at 17...then ended up having three divorces. When he asked her what she thought she was doing, she said "I'm doing what you did."

He said his 4th kid's immorality was so off-the wall he can't even talk about it. When he asked "Why are you living like this?" His child said "Because I never had a father."

He met Nancy, who was working as a hot-shot lawyer at the time, and he said they were a "power couple." They lived together for 6 years and then one day decided they should get married, so the next day they signed their marriage certificate in a helicopter above a mountain in British Columbia. He said he was wearing a white tux and felt like James Bond, haha.

A few days later, Nancy (who is from Croatia), said that she didn't "feel" married and wanted to get married in the Catholic church. Nancy went to get permission from the Bishop to marry Patrick in a Catholic church, which included pulling a file which officially annulled his first marriage (due to adultery) and another file which showed that his second marriage was never valid in the Church's eyes. Nancy took the permission from the Bishop to her local priest, who said "I will marry you since the Bishop okay'd it, but I will also tell you Nancy - you should NOT marry this man. He is the worst case I've ever seen. He will never change. Don't do it."

They got married in a croatian church called "The Immaculate Heart of Mary."

He said he made every promise that they asked of him when he got married. "I was a car salesman - a professional promiser! I made any promise they wanted me to. And I broke them all the very next day."

At some point in their marriage, Nancy's brother sent them a book called "The Messages of Our Lady at Medjugorje." Patrick handed it off to Nancy and she handed it back to him and said "Here you go my pagan husband, YOU throw it away so that it's on YOUR conscience."

He decided he would read one message and then throw it away, so then he wouldn't feel as guilty. He flipped through and found the shortest message he could.

The message said: "I call you to conversion. For the last time."

Upon reading those two lines, Patrick immediately believed that the messages were real; He saw his two feet firmly planted in Hell and he was terrified.

He dragged Nancy to a conference about Medjugorje and the priest there told him to consecrate his children to the Immaculate Heart of Mary. He heard himself say, "Blessed Mother, take my kids, and, Blessed Mother, You be the parent that I never was, because I'm a total failure.” 

He learned the main themes of the Messages of Medjugorje and decided to take action in his life:
1. Pray the Rosary - he started praying the rosary every day
2. Fast - Mary said that praying the rosary and fasting could stop wars, and he realized that his household was a warzone. A war on drugs, a war on alcohol, and a war on divorce. He started fasting for 24 full hours on Wednesdays and Fridays and said "You should see me at 5 minutes to midnight just holding the refrigerator open and counting down!" haha
3. Go to mass - for the first time in 30 or so years, he started going to Mass
4. Go to confession

After living in mortal sin for 30 years, he went to confession and confessed everything. He said when the priest told him "I absolve you of your sins" he was absolutely amazed. He thinks that confession is the most powerful thing on Earth and that God has given us priests as an instrument of his mercy, but too many people presume God's mercy. Too many people don't come clean before it's too late, and they call for a priest as they lay dying, but they had their whole lives to confess and shouldn't have waited until it was too late.

"God's arms were open for 30 years. I was the one who said 'no.' We blame God, but its our own fault."

Patrick's oldest son saw him praying the rosary and said something stirred inside him. Six months later, he called and told his dad he has quit drinking and got a job as a fireman.

His younger son stopped doing drugs and went back to school. He got an MBA and is now a catholic schoolteacher.

His daughter came to him broken and admitted to drowning the three divorces in alcohol. He handed her a rosary and told her to start praying. She went back to school, got her nursing degree, and completely changed her life.

“The divorce is gone – the alcohol is gone – the drugs are gone – from someone who started to pray.” Our Lady said that when you consecrate your kids to the Immaculate Heart, they will be saved. Another layer to the story: Patrick's own mother prayed the rosary for him for 48 years and saw nothing. One day, he went home to Canada and took his mother to Mass. She cried, "The black sheep is home; the prodigal son has come home!"  

Patrick is an amazing storyteller - using props and people and working the crowd like a comedian. When he talked about his daughter (who is named Michelle - my sister's name), he asked me to come up and he held my hand and talked about her choices and her struggles and he gave me the rosary he was holding throughout the talk and told me to keep it. He also gave me some advice; he said "When you meet a boy and he wants to take you out, you ask him one thing. You ask him: 'Where's your rosary?' Because if a man has a rosary, he's a good man and you can trust him."

Definitely not something I have tried before haha...

Patrick and Nancy ended up selling everything and moving to Medjugorje. He said "Mary saved my life and my children's lives. I want to be her neighbor." But he admitted that they had never been there and didn't even know where it was on the map!

So about 15 years ago, they moved to Medjugorje and started building this castle. They welcome anyone and everyone to come visit, but the main purpose is to house men and women who are discerning whether they should become a priest or a nun. They also have a retreat for priests and for youths. What an amazing thing!

I didn't find out why they decided to build the structure like it's a castle, but all that I could think the entire time was 'These people are literally building the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth - both physically and spiritually.'

The Community of Cenaco

Later in the afternoon, we went to Cenaco, which is sort of like a rehabilitation community for drug addicts. Only, there aren't any doctors or nurses or medications, just prayer, hard work, and community.

Cenaco began because a little old Italian nun, Mother Elvira saw young kids struggling and wanted to help them, but was told that only nurses and doctors can help them.

She accepted that response, but began praying a Novena (a nine day prayer) to ask God to help her see what she could do. When the Novena ended, she prayed another. Then another. She prayed the Novena for nine years and then one day was given the keys to a rundown house in Italy. The only thing not broken or busted inside the house was a statue of the Virgin Mary, which Mother Elvira took as a sign that Our Lady gave Her blessing. She looked at the rundown house and saw the potential it had - just like she saw the potential in the broken youth she invited in.

So people started coming, and both the government and families tried to offer her money and she refused the money every time. The men who came worked with her to rebuild the house and they relied completely on donations - of food, of tools, etc. There were about 50 people living in the house and it was almost entirely rebuilt when Mother Elvira began wondering if this was all that God wanted of her. But then two more houses were donated.

Today, Cenaco has over 60 houses, and they didn't buy a single one. The people that come to Cenaco build and create everything. Those first 50 rebuilt the house and began rebuilding their lives.

Two men gave us their own personal testimony. Daniel was from Detroit, and he said Cenaco is not like other rehab - it's a family. It's completely free and people can come and go as they please. He said they call it a "school of life."

They start every day with prayer and breakfast, and then they work all day. The philosophy is that it's not the drugs that are the problem, the drugs were an escape from the problems. As soon as they get their, they are assigned a "Guardian Angel" - someone who has been there a while and who immediately starts to ask questions and try to dig into their history to learn about their personal wounds and afflictions of the heart.

In the first year, they get rid of all the bad. In years 2-3, they replace the bad with good. After that, they transmit the experience to others. Daniel said one of the reasons it is most effective is because they all help each other through and they all know what each other are experiencing, because they've been there.

They also learn trades that some of them then use later on to support their lives outside the community.

"It's a monastery for the prayer, a tradehouse for the work, and a fraternity for the friendship."

Daniel also said there are female houses, and many of the men and women end up becoming priests and nuns. Due to this, Mother Elvira now has her own order of nuns, and Pope John Paul II said once "I  can always pick out the nuns of the Cenaco because they're the only ones with tattoos!"

The last thing I'll say about Cenaco is that they have a very beautiful logo (below). It was Mother Elvira's vision - the Resurrected Christ is in the center, because Jesus should be the center of all of our lives - 24 hours a day (there are 24 rays of light shining behind Him). He is pulling Adam and Eve out of their graves of sin, and you may notice that He is pulling them, not the other way around. Everyone in the picture is gazing at Christ (because he should be our focal point) except King Solomon. King Solomon is looking at his father, King David, who is looking at Jesus. This is to symbolize that in a family, the son takes direction from his father, but the father should take his cues from the Lord.

The craziest part of this? It was painted by 2 construction workers, a truck driver, and a graffiti artist!!!

One of the reasons I came to Medjugorje was to find rest. Turns out, I'm not actually getting a lot of that...but I am learning so much and I can feel myself getting closer to Our Lady and Our Savior. It is incredible and overwhelming being here.

I keep wondering, what if the whole world was like Medjugorje?